september eight two-thousand-twenty-three

i can't tell if things are getting brighter or darker, but i'm sure everything will be fine. started hydroxyzine recently at the suggestion of a medication appointment at the same place of the new therapist (she's been ok so far, i'll see her again in a few days, but she's flexible with how i don't like to go that often), and that medication has actually been very helpful. i've always been 24/7 anxious and on-edge, and it does feel weird to not..have that anymore? like i'll think about what makes me on-edge a lot still (mostly concerning the worrying future of the world) and i don't feel as terrified. so i guess it works. nice added bonus is that i now know how people can just...go back to sleep if they wake up too early, because god, it's made me very sleepy. but that's fine. i like my sleep. i'll probably be going on seroquel as well in a week or two. i definetly need it at this point, and not a babydose like i used to get because i was just a really mad autistic kid and now i'm full-emerging schizo-something apparently.

but at home it's been...weird, honestly. my dad married into a woman and her single mother of a child, and they've been fighting a lot worse recently. it's loud. it makes me feel like my biological mother is still alive and i'm at her house for the weekend and she's the one yelling again. i just stay in my room all day to avoid everybody, and i've been like this for months. and when i mentioned the medication stuff to my dad, he tried to bribe me 200 to not take any of it. he's still the best i have family-wise, but that's a bar that is practically underground.

also, i have not been any less autistic about papa louie games. mostly been playing freezeria deluxe, sushiria, and donuteria. would be doing hot doggeria too but i fucked up quinn's order on a day and now i'm a little scared to re-try said day. i love quinn. she's lovely and looks very mean and i want her to be mean to MEEEEE.

i also started a new discord server, but it's specifically for fictosexuality related stuff. i guess if you read this and wanted to join that, i have further details on whatever social media i have. or something like that.