july twelve two-thousand-twenty-three

a book folds, another opens. today is another day, so do your best and do your part.

so yeah, anyways i broke up with my (3d. real ass person. i cant believe i need to make this distinction on here but) girlfriend of two years and it really was because the relaitonship decayed to just another close friendship and i found someone else to love in a romantic way instead. no idea why i decided to send the text to split it off at six in the fucking morning, but i've been feeling quite numb since then. i mean, until i got confessed to that night by someone else who i already was close to for a while in another way and seemed to fit the idea of someone i could rely on in the long term much better.

i feel like going into details on why it all happened would be nothing but evil, but i shall refrain other than a lack of mutual efforts.

anyways. i went yesterday as well to pick up clothes for the new job. black button-down, hopefully this is ok if they specified black shirt and preferably polo, to wear a button-down because i was already panicking in the walmart i got them from. at first, i wanted to put a picture of myself in the changing room wearing the shirt here, but that wouldn't really be a good idea. i've been risking everything lately. spending money on junk and junk food, this shit, ect. it makes me feel ALIVE. this meatbag needs something to DO. and hopefully the job will fix that and fill that specific void in me.

but i don't think anything could make me feel really "whole" anymore these days, it's that lifelong shadow that's described in bill zeller's suicide note that i feel so much as well every day haunting over me. one day i'll be free. sorry. too much. i won't link it, but it is a google search away, and i do think if you can handle the sheer force of a note, you should read it.