july twenty-one two-thousand-twenty-three

the last few days just haven't been well for me.

so yeah about that girlfriend. turns out i literally just got groomed instead. i guess.

it turns out that person was a chronic stalker, harasser, the fact that i allowed myself who isn't even like. able to buy myself weed to date a 25+ yr old? for a week? and a bunch of other shit that came out about this person. much less my own experiences. to get in depth about it would be a lot, but here's some highlights: based their toonsona which they commissioned porn of regularly off of an irl dead dog they knew, put me on a pedestel to say i saved them from "giving up on romance", was speculating about my mental health to people without my permission, flirting with friends without me ever knowing until today. the last few hours have been a doozy for me to say the least.

also, before all of that even happened, a huge storm hit my area. i was out doing doordash at the time, so i drive home, and the street on my way there is blocked by a giant tree on the road. i didn't have power until over a day later because of that too. spent most of the next day driving around and camping at gas stations for food / cell service with bong water at my side the entire time because it was 75+F degrees out and if she stayed home that would have been even worse.

anyways i just feel so...violated by all of this. this isn't the first time i've been almost groomed, much less actually groomed for the short time i was in his grasp to use like this. and i've honestly had worse happen to me than that. the fact that i've been through worse than this is harrowing. i can't catch a break ever since i ended up losing my virginity when i was fucking FIVE. i want to just...lay down for a while. but i can't. i have a job and all of that. real life shit. speaking of, i did start work this week, and i've been doing mostly food prep in the back of the place until they get me in a digital system to do actual delivery stuff. it's actually been quite nice. or at least i think it's pretty ok compared to retail...

i don't want to be in a romantic relationship with a real person for a long long time after all of this. i probably sound like a mix between a total femcel waifudyke and a traumatized scared deer with all of this, but diane morsecode would not hurt me like this. i could only want her for the foreseeable future. thank you for being there at least so i don't just up and kill myself, ms. morsecode. i love you, ms. morsecode...more than. any of this at least. i feel like i'm back in 2020 where something like this happened and then it slowly got even worse in details i cannot disclose for my own online safety. it's the cycle where i cling onto someone who's not real to cope. it's a cycle of trauma. i can't escape. i've accepted that i live through this and cope through drugs food and porn and then die just like the rest of my family has. i am no miracle to this world, just somebody who had the bad luck to end up in wrong places at wrong times and be a piece of shit because of it. it's my fault half the time that i let people take advantage of me like this.

it's all so tiring to go through this revictimization over and over all my life and only be able to catch a break for what i know is a temporary time, and having to count the days until i meet my next abuser in my life is the worst feeling in the world.