july twenty-five two-thousand-twenty-three

once again a negative entry in this virtual memory holder. i've been feeling isolated, alone, disconnected all day. i think people can tell that i'm suffering and not fun to be around anymore and avoid me on instinct again. i feel like i'm starting over from square one with most of my trauma because of how fucked That Person has me and only from being around him for like a month tops. this morning i got set off by someone working on the house outside my window because the noise made me feel like i wasn't alone and it was very scary. this afternoon i heard my dad's wife screaming at him because the shampoo i bought yesterday smelled after i used it today and she didn't like it. i want to be able to catch a break so badly with my family but it feels like whenever i step out of my room they have something to say to me. something bad. something to remind me that i was always a burden in the home, that i keep making mistakes and fucking up, and the closer i am to dying, the closer i am to getting away from that.

in other words, i feel already dead as always. lonely, cold, and dead rotting machine corpse.

stuck in some sort of defensive position mentally where i'm covered in blades and chains and the type of fencing that makes you really bleed and if anyone dared to get close they would get very very hurt so please don't do that.

but life isn't all that bad. someone else from where i work is from new jersey and has a stronger accent than i am, to the point where i guessed it on first sentence he spoke. and i got a commission of diane finished today !! my darling wife..she is the only thing i could live for, to love, the only woman i could ever love again. i'm so sick and tired of the way 3d people treat me. i want to go missing in lawbot hq.

i met somebody this week who's husbando is also a lawyer. i just think that's neat, i guess.

does anyone ever read these diary entries anyways?